guess what, i thought of something to write about...

i cant start this one off by saying "recently... " or "lately..." or anything to that effect, since this problem has been with me my whole life, but now its becoming exceedingly prominent... i get so fed up with small shit that it makes me want to fucking erupt and seriously injure someone or destroy something.  tonight, for example, for no apparent reason i seriously wanted to just break something.  nothing in particular, no one's property in particular and no i did not end up damaging anything at all tonight.... but i want it to stop.

it seems as though i have nothing i can actually do about things that i "cant do anything about", if that makes any sense.  anything beyond my control or within my constraint that really gets to me i cant do anything about.  i lack a way to seriously blow off some vicious and volatile agression that needs to go somewhere before it goes to the wrong place or person, which scares me altogether.

i say that big things that might normally should get to me actually dont get to me at all, or at least i can brush them off like nothing... but small things really start to irritate me, and lately small things keep stacking up to the point where i just think about doing atrocious things that i honestly dont want to do nor do i even want to think about doing.  and i cant divert that energy and aggression anywhere, nor can i continue to suppress it to such an increasing degree.  in the past ive been tolerant and suppressed the kinds of feelings that really made me want to, for lack of a better way to put it, fuck somebody's day up.  i honestly cant help but to have thoughts of overreacting to almost any tense situation im in, and it takes increasingly serious restraint to quell those thoughts and prevent them from becoming actions. 

being the kind of person that never has outbursts of serious violent issues (my friends can argue that i may be wirey but no one has ever been assaulted or harmed by me, so nix that), im honestly afraid of what i might do if i lose it eventually.  there may be some minor straw that breaks the camel's back so to speak and im honestly afraid i might do something i will regret for a looong time.  at the same time, im also scared that i might tear somebody apart and not regret it one shred, which just takes me one more step away from human.

the worst part of this situation is that the people surrounding me are the people that would and do suffer most from my shortness, my lack of patience, my violent disposition... anything that could take place would immediately affect them and affect me right back, which is in no way whatsoever what i want to do.  im afraid that this compounding problem is creating more and more problems as time progresses... it creates gaps, it creates resentment, it creates raw hatred.  i dont want any of it from me or towards me.  i want it to stop.

...which is where i draw to a close.  i dont know what to do, about getting rid of this from my mindset.  i want nothing more than to be happy.  i want good things in my life once again to be good rather than a maximum of mediocre as things seem to be during these depressing days.  i dont want to "magically" be cured of my psychological disposition but rather to have something good to look forward to in my life.  i need something that, to me, is by definition good. somewhere i can start, somewhere i can return to when i am bent, when im broken, when im distraught and frustrated and murderous.  i know that any religious person reading this is thinking something along the lines of "turn to God"... but ya know what, unfortunately thats not innately good, thats not definitively and genuinely pure and great to me.  i have to have something tangible... something i can point at and say, "thats the reason i am not the way i was".... or at least something to dull it all to a muddy grey.

adieu.

Currently Listening Three By John Butler Trio Foundation see related

so yeah, wow... been forever.

umm, dunno how much ill be using xanga anymore... just seems no one reads it and i definitely dont feel like writing much these days.  let alone writing about anything interesting when my life is fuckin dull, so that makes it even less likely.  but uhhh... yeah why not a realllll quick buzz-through of the past umm... 2 months?

the second half of the summer whizzed by, i slept most of the days away and did not work due to not being able to find a suitable job for such a short period.  moved outta my old apt in dekalb and into a new one.  moved back to dekalb a week before classes started, got some of my shit set up and some is still in boxes.  classes started, and im enjoying them a thousand times more than my previous ones so far.

that pretty much sums it up. as you can tell by 2 months being summed up in a few lines, lifes kinda dull.  kinda waiting for any sorta spark to come along, kinda trying to force any spark but as with most things, im slow.

but... i dont have much more to say.  hit me up on facebook :P i check that regularly.  until whenever i get the itch to post again, which... i dont know the next time of, all you cats stay cool.   adieu kids.

so, i slacked this past week.  im sooo sorry i let everyone down O.o yeah, enough with the sarcasm.

the past 2 weeks have pretty much whizzed by i tell ya... it gets kinda boring with everything being about the same, but some cool shit's gone on.  went home last weekend just to chill, didnt really have anything going on but i didnt die of boredom or anything.  the past 2 weeks ive been working, but last monday they told us (me, kim, and katie) that we'd be getting our hours cut from 40/week each to 10/week each... yeah, pretty big hit.  i figured id have to start looking for a new job, and i got a call on friday morning from my boss saying that i was 'let go' for the summer (aka laid off.) sooo... yeah, made the best of it and didnt let it get to me really.  went home friday evening after work, chilled out and helped my dad a bit around the house... ended up building a bonfire that night, and a handful of people stopped by for a bit. 

saturday i woke up and went to the dentist to let him beat the fuck out of my jaw and teeth, then dicked around at home all afternoon and at night i went with a few people to one of jen's dance school recitals.  ive been to a few of those now, its fun to watch the routines and they get better every year (no coincidence that jen coreographed over half the routines this year and its been the best so far).  but, we all went to omega restaurant afterwards and long story short i was home by midnight...  luke stopped by with sarah and another friend of his and we hung out for a lil bit, and i ended up calling it a night around 1:30 or 2.

sunday, i woke up around 11 and went with my old man to a computer show.  we've been going to those things for something ridiculous like 8 years now, and theyve slowly dwindled down in customer and vendor numbers...  nowadays they only have one every two months (as opposed to one a month) and theyve moved to a much smaller place to have the show.  while there, my dad was pricing out flatscreen monitors, i was checking out sound cards, speakers, and ended up only buying a new keyboard.  but due to the lack of selection at the show, we decided to head over to fry's electronics.  once there, i found a sweet 5.1 speaker setup for only $40 so i picked that bad boy up... my dad spotted a really reallllly nice deal on a monitor but it turned out that the only model they had was the floor model, which had been discontinued, and my dad was shit outta luck.  the next best item they had that was comparable was over $60 more expensive so we said fuck it and left.  went home, tested out the speakers, and called it a day with that shit.  later in the day i picked up chernick and we threw around a frisbee for a while, watched the sox almost pull a game outta their ass and come back from a 9-1 deficit... almost :\. c'est la vie, i dropped chernick off since he had to work this morning... went home and crashed early.

today (abridged version, im getting sick of typing) i got up and helped my dad do shit around the house that he had on his to-do list.  he has mondays off and i figured he could use the extra motivation and maybe even some help.  we got a lot done together, so that's all good.  tonight i went and saw Click with kevin and keith, and since then ive been sitting around here at home with dick to do. oh, forgot to mention i ordered a new sound card to fully utilize the speakers... didnt even cost much.

later today (tues) i need to go do some job hunting, make some phone calls, and put in some applications and shit.  ive heard from a few people i know about possible jobs for me, and im thankful for that... just gotta hear back on some of them.  i plan on going back to dekalb wednesday to do some additional job searching out there, and if anything turns up tomorrow or this week then i plan on moving/living wherever the job is - hp or dekalb. 

though, being home this weekend was kinda weird.  i felt for the first time in a long time that its where i belonged.  i kinda had things to do all weekend, hung out with friends, helped around the house, etc etc.  tomorrow ive got shit to do just the same, and my home at dekalb is just waiting on me.  ive been up there all summer so far, most of my friends are just livin their lives as can be expected :)  im still just gonna end up wherever the work is, but at this rate id like to find a job around home to finish out the summer.

guess that's all for now... a few days ago i got sidetracked while being bored and making a list of things to do, and this is what i ended up with, just somethin silly...

it's called...
Things To Do:
Writing down a list of all the things I need to do
Pen and paper's all I need to start my life anew

Up first is my room where laundry and junk litter the floor
Gotta wash it all up and pitch it all out the door.

Next on the list is paying my bills
Once every month, I know the drill...

And as usual the bathroom's a mess,
My kitchen's a pigsty, but I digress.

I'll mop up the floors and scrub down the walls
And end up lemony fresh through it all.

Lastly, gotta buy groceries so I can stay fed
The growls from my stomach ain't just in my head.

Better leave room at the end of the list
It seems never-ending, but that's how life is.

hope you enjoy, and adieu kids.

ohhh p.s. some of my friends have been bugging me to get a myspace account, and i say bullocks to you bastards... but if its the only way to keep in touch with some of them then that's fine, but someone else is gonna go to the trouble of making my website :P ive been using xanga for about 3 years now, go ahead and read back that far hahaha... myspace hasnt even been around that long, so neener neener, and good night.

'bout that time i guess... lil bored, lil tired, got work in 8 hours and i really dont care.

last week came and went with little fanfare, this week is doing the same so far.  last weekend was fun, drank a bunch on friday and went home saturday night... saw the new movie the breakup, not a bad flick but theres a few others out that i still would rather see.  sunday was a lazy day... sat around home, ate dinner, went back to dekalb at night.  been workin all week since.

yeah, thats the "catch up on the week" segment.  i noticed this week, as i started for the first time to put events into my phone, that i have shit coming up left and right on weekends clear through july.  between peoples' birthdays, vacations, appointments, concerts, events and so on... i am gonna be a busy mofo.  ill probably continue to squeeze in more things to do on fridays, and other weekends that arent completely booked heh...  im already dealing with schedule conflicts, as people keep asking me "what are you doing on the weekend of..." which is the reason i started using my phone to keep track of all that. 

 i get paid tomorrow (technically later today) and i couldnt be more excited/broke haha... i gotta get bills paid so im really scrambling for cash as it is.  but that is where i have to end this particular entry, ive got to get some sleep so i can earn more money tomorrow.  i hope im getting paid as much as they told me i was, and i hope everything is in order for me to get paid as i should tomorrow... till then, adieu kids.

hey go me, like an entry a week for a few weeks now... whats up since last time hmm...

well, i worked all week as usual... was pretty pooped from it all week, especially tuesday which was swelteringly hot, 90's and humid egh...  but wednesday i managed to make it to the rec after work (shit, just realized i shoulda done that today too...) and ran like 4 miles on a machine with no problem for some reason... legs didnt hurt, lungs didnt hurt, it was nice.  the rest of the week i worked... went home friday night after work, back to HP.  about 3 different sets of plans fell through so it ended up just being kevin, luke, sarah and myself chillin at my house watching the chronicles of narnia on dvd.  not a bad night, considering what happened before i left dekalb - found out through a series of delayed charges to my bank account (as in i would get gas on a fri/sat/sunday and it didnt process until tuesday?) i was dicked with 2 overdraft fees for $33 each.  after i write this ill have to check to see if i got plowed with any other crap, but that left me with exactly $1.35 in my account...  i managed through the weekend though.

saturday i helped my dad fix the deck for most of the afternoon, and after dinner i got a real itch to build the fire pit i'd been envisioning.  so, after a few minutes of coersion i got some cash from my old man and bought about $85 worth of bricks and sand... at 8pm, dusk.  well, my dad and i scrambled to dig and build the firepit and i think we did exceptionally well seeing as it was done by 10pm with only one setback - i was short 4 bricks for the outer rim (i only bought 40, so being 4 off wasnt bad)... anyway, seeing as that got done i decided to christen it right away.  we had some people over, drank some beer until about 2:30AM and called it a night basically.  i got a handful of pictures from the night, havent put em on facebook or anything yet though...

sunday morning i had to get up at 8AM to be ready to roll to six flags by 9:15.  gave myself plenty of time, and we (kevin, jon, jen, gina, corey, and ryan) got to the park around 10:30... hit up all the usual rides with almost zero delays.  raging bull for example was only a 5 minute wait, no joke.  the day in all was very fun, sorta exhausting just because we were walking around in the sun all day... we left the park around 8, was home by 9... packed up my things and headed back to dekalb by about 10:15, once i got back i settled in and was sleepin like a log by midnight.

today was just another day of work... not too hot, but not as nice as last week or this weekend.  just got home less than an hour ago and now im sitting around with basically nothing to do... feels pretty good though. im also not quite as broke since i finally collected on groceries and utilities for last month.  i dont get paid for another week and a half im thinking, so i probably wont make it home until after that...  :\ s'all good, i have more fun on weekends with my friends now that we can make plans that we can stick to.  during weekdays its hard to get anything really to do, since everyone works... but i dont have to deal with that really since im out in dekalb and theyre in schaumburg.  also makes it pretty boring around here when no one's home, but i make do by napping or doing what im doing right now - messin around on my computer...

for now though, im done with this entry.  i might just go take a nap if no one's around to chill with... adieu kids.